You Say Tandem, I Say Biking Excursion

So I posted an ad on Craigslist (yes, Chile has a Craigslist) last week saying that I thought it would be fun to "tandem" (which I know sounds like something dirty and sexual, but it really means that I talk in Spanish and the other person talks back to me in English, and we help each other out in speaking each other's languages less atrociously), just because I'm a nerd and like getting to know new people. I already met with one person last week, and it went ok, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to meet more people. 

Now, before I go into the story, let me give you some context: I have a couple of Chilean friends here that I already unofficially tandem with, and it's something that is not uncommon to do here, especially because Chileans interested in English are always looking for ways to help improve their comprehension. And pathetic gringos (like myself) are always looking for Chilean friends, as well as less embarrassing execution of their Spanish. In fact, the cuica school La Católica even has an official tandem program (rich bitches) that pair up the foreign exchange students with a Chilean student to meet up with about once a week. 

So tonight I met another person, named Pedro, and it made me feel like maybe I should have called it a night with Person #1. 

First of all, we were going to meet in the evening/night, and this weon (dude/fool) wanted to meet me at Quinta Normal Park, which is way near the north of Santiago, and kind of sketch. I was not having that, so I told him we could meet at Metro Baquedano, which is a lot more busy (it's a touristy section of Santiago), so that it would be less likely that any shady business would go down. 

So we meet up, and I can already tell he's hella awkward and weird, but whatever, it's not like I could run away from this dude after 5 minutes of talking to him, especially because I really didn't think he was all that dangerous, just awkward. And plus, worst-case scenario, I could have totally taken him anyway no problem, which maybe sounds overconfident, but it's the truth. If you are skinny and have that anemic glow going about you, I WILL be able to kick your ass, let's just put it that way. 

So anyway, we start talking, and I realize that he's not talking to me in English at all. "Whatever," I think. "Maybe he's just shy." But after 10 minutes, he's not saying a word of GringoSpeak, so finally, I say to him:

"Whenever you want to talk in English, just let me know. But if you don't feel comfortable talking in English, that's ok too."

He kind of gives me this confused look, and then asks me:

"Wait, what did you mean when you said "tandem"?

Uh oh. And the RED FLAG goes up.

"Uhhhh....well.....it means that I talk to you in Spanish and you talk to me in English. What DID YOU think I meant when I said tandem?"

And here comes the money answer:

"Oh, well I thought it meant that we were going to go tandem biking. In fact, I expected you to come here tonight and pick me up on a bike."

NOW WHO THE FUCK ANSWERS A CRAIGSLIST AD TO GO ON A BIKING EXCURSION WITH A RANDOM STRANGER?? Was all that was going through my head at this point.  

*2 Thoughts:

1) First of all, who thinks that?!? I mean, really??  Especially since my Craigslist ad was very clear and explicit. I mean, I really don't know how there can be a miscommunication, especially when the title was "Quieres practicar tu inglés?" (Do you want to practice your English?) and part of the description said, "Tú hablas en inglés, y yo hablo en castellaño." (You talk in English, and I talk in Spanish).

2) Second of all, I for sure don't want to be hanging around people that actively seek tandem bike adventures with random gringos. 

So I talk to him for about 20 minutes more, so as to make a smoother escape, and then tell him I have to go because I have to meet my friend for dinner. Luckily, he already told me where he lived, so I just made up a metro stop that I had to meet my friend at that was not at all near his metro stop. 

It was weird though because after he found out what my definition (and basically everyone else in Chile's definition) of tandem was, two times he asked me when we were going to meet up again. Which confused me, because I definitely established that we wouldn't be partaking in any tandem bike rides in Quinta Normal Park, or for that matter, anywhere else in the Southern Hemisphere. And twice, I had to give him the "don't call me, I'll call you" line.

After that, I was never so happy to ride the crowded, hot, and at times, unbearable, Metro in my life. I didn't even mind that it was so crowded that I was contorted into a weird and awkward standing position, and that my ass was obnoxiously sticking in someone's face for a whole 5 metro stops. I mean, really, the world looks a whole lot more beautiful when something like that happens to you.

So that's really my story. I wish I could end on some sort of hint of a trying pathetically to be witty note, but to be quite frank, I'm still pretty speechless (although obviously not speechless enough to partake in devoting a whole blog entry to it). So this is where I'm going to stop now. Done. Ok?

Starlight Starbright STARBUCK'S

So recently I found out that the "Starbuck's" I went to during that day of desperation, homesickness, and capriciousness was NOT a Starbuck's (apparently I'm illiterate), but rather, a knock-off called Starlight. Apparently I'm blind as well, since the logo doesn't have the crazy-haired lady on it, but rather, a lighthouse. I'm a hot mess.

But, in better news, I have yet to cross over to the evil side here in Chile!

Ok, let's be real though. There's a Starbuck's 2 blocks away from Starlight, and today I was already thinking about having me a wonderful frappucino. 

It's going to happen really soon - going to Starlight must just be the transitory phase to pure evil. And by pure evil, I mean pure deliciousness....

EN TOMA: Update

The students have recently added more unnaturally large banners to be hung from the main building in the Facultad de Derecho, claiming they are on strike.

Also, the chairs have miraculously been resurrected, and are back in full force.

I don't think this strike is going away anytime soon. 

Chucha. 

Buckle Up

Last week, for the first time in more than 3 months, I rode in a Taxi that not only had a seatbelt, but also a buckle that I could find to connect to. My survival instinct kicked in, and I rapidly buckled up. 

I felt constricted. Limited. Confined. Enclosed. Suppressed. Bottled up. 

It felt strange. It felt unnatural.

I've been in Chile way too long. 

Smoky

Yesterday night, I found out that one of my cats (Smoky) just died. He was sick for a while, and I know it's for the best, but I just can't help but miss him. I know that makes me sound like a crazy cat lady, but I really don't give a fuck. He was one of the best cats I've ever had - so sweet, caring, and lovable (and never bit anyone, which was always a huge plus). When at the end of January I left my house to go to the airport for my study abroad experience, it was at 4 AM in the morning, and I was so out of it that I forgot to say good-bye to him. And it wasn't until halfway to the airport that I realized what I did (or in reality, what I didn't do). And I just remember thinking, "Please let Smoky make it through this semester so I can see him for one last time." And I guess it just didn't happen. But I know he's in a better place right now - he was just suffering for so long. 

So to Smoky, I love you and I miss you. I miss the way you used to follow me around all the time. I miss the way you used to wake me up at 6 AM in the morning by meowing at me continuously and annoying the fuck out of me. I miss the times when I used to pick you up and just stretch you out by wrapping you around my waist. I miss teasing you about being such a fat and lazy cat (because let's be real, you were - the biggest thing you ever "killed" was a flower in the backyard). I miss using you as a blanket in the winter while I was in the family room watching tv, because you were so fucking warm. And most of all, I just missed the unconditional love that you always showed to me; something that is so beautiful about all animals - they don't care who you are, what you do, what you look like, etc, they just love you for WHO YOU ARE. It's cliché, but it is amazingly true, and something I will always keep with me in my heart.

I miss you so much, Smoky. You were such a great cat - truly a part of the family. I'm sorry I couldn't be there in your last few months. I'm tearing up as I'm even writing this. I hope you're having a good time chilling with Sara's cat Tigger in kitty heaven. I will never forget you, and I will always love you.

EN TOMA

My school is on strike! Ok, well one of the facultades at least - La Facultad de Derecho, which is the School of Law (the different facultades of La Chile are spread out all over Santiago). They even have a blog link: derechoenreconstruccion.blogspot.com. 

I'm still a bit confused about why they are on strike, but when I read La Tercera (one of Chile's national newspapers), it said that the students were on strike because the dean plagiarized work and claimed it as his own. Or something of that sort. And you think my Spanish would be good enough to be able to read a simple newspaper article. Qué verguenza. 

The picture above is one that I took today on the way to school, to see if it was still on strike, or if classes were going to resume. That's another thing about the universities here - they really aren't all that organized. NONE of my classes have a course syllabus, so I am always paranoid that I'm going to show up one day and have to all of a sudden take a midterm. But anyway, with regards to the toma, none of the staff at the facultad, or even my professor, have even emailed the students to let us know what the fuck is going on (you know at Berkeley we would immediately get an email from the Vice Provost or Chancellor, or anyone else with a lofty title), so I have no idea if my classes are straight up cancelled, or if they are actually meeting somewhere else in Santiago outside of the facultad. If the latter is the case, then I am royally fucked - because let's be real, I've been struggling enough in that class with my 100% attendance rate. 

In the beginning of the toma (a little over 2 weeks ago), students stacked chairs up towards the front gate, so when you walk by the gate, you just see a bunch of chairs sticking out threateningly at you. They just recently put all the chairs down from outside. Which makes me sad because I kept forgetting my camera every time I commuted to the facultad to check the status of the toma, and I really wanted to take a picture of it because it would have looked really cool. Also, some of the students have been camping out in the school (for 2 weeks now, and they show no sign of stopping anytime soon), and have even gone so far to build a makeshift fort in the front courtyard of the school.

 As if I wasn't floja (lazy) enough here, my hardest class is now on hold because of this toma. And there's going to be a national strike tomorrow (Wed, 5/13) at all of the facultades to protest the new education laws. 

But, you know what, despite this chaos, it's never a boring day at La Chile. And part of me absolutely loves it.

My New Name

So I finally broke and gringa'd myself out today by going to a pizza chain here in Chile, called Telepizza. I just had to have me some greasy fast food. I walked inside and placed my order, and when they asked for my name so they could call out the order, I said, "Jenn." 

Now I have encountered a few problems with Chileans being able to understand and pronounce my name - they end up saying Yennyfer, Yenn, etc, so I anticipated that when my pizza was done and they would announce my order, it wouldn't exactly be perfect. 

Some of my friends have suggested that I just use a Spanish sounding name, but I just don't feel like I can pull off Gabriela, Carola, Maríangeles, or Valeria. I just can't work it, I can't. I'm too fucking gringa. So I stick with my norteamericana sounding name, and deal with whatever implications may come along the way.

I saw in the kitchen that they had finished my order, so I braced myself, got in my "ready to receive package" stance, and hoped for the best.

"Personal cheese pizza for Juan??" the lady announced. 

You've got to be kidding me.

Fuck it, I'm going with Maríangeles next time. 

I Sue. You Sue. We All Scream for Ice Cream.

Last week, I was having lunch with one of my Chilean friends (which makes me sound really popular, but let's be real, the amount of Chilean friends I have here struggles to fill even one hand. Why it's hard to make Chilean friends here is a somewhat melodramatic rant for another time and place. But I digress.), when all of a sudden, a lady who was sitting at a nearby table approaches me. Just then, I had been teaching my friend slang in English, which mostly involved putting in "fuck" and its derivatives in the middle of a phrase, so I thought she was approaching me to tell me to calm it down on the language because she had a kid. Instead, she said to me:

"Hey, you're norteamericana, right?"

When I said yes, she naturally followed up with:

"I want to sue someone...how do I go about doing it?"

Arrogant. Greedy. Ignorant. Loud. Obnoxious. And now, Chronic Suer.

Well, we really present ourselves well to the world, don't we?

You Know The Drill - Más Fotos

The Mystery of the MIA Season

Summer in Santiago. Summer in Santiago was mildly horrifying on many levels. It was so hot that I had to apply my non-aluminum, allegedly non-cancer-causing (thanks for the tip, Sara!), deodorant at least 4 times a day. So hot that I could barely go on runs without seeing at least one hallucination-induced mirage. So hot that even sitting, even lying down on my bed (with all the blankets on the ground of course), even merely existing, made me drip buckets. So hot that one of the only ways to survive was to eat Danky's Blanco y Negro flavored ice cream every day. Actually, that last part was pretty damn fun. That ice cream is the shit. But I digress. 

And now, after 3 months of kvetching about the horrid heat of the Santiago summer, winter has finally arrived. How do I know this? When I got ready for school yesterday, I looked over my shoe collection, and without even a thought, swiftly rejected my Rufo (my host family's dog)-chewed, worn-down, Rainbow sandals in favor for my non-Rufo-chewed, worn-down Ugg boots. And I haven't looked back since. 

But now, I spend at least a quarter of the time in my house shivering or getting goose bumps, and the temperature of my hands could probably be accurately described by Stephanie Meyer - the author of the Twilight series - as similar to Edward's. No, scratch that. Colder. Much colder than a vampire's. And I walk around my house looking like an oompa loompa in my puffy ski jacket because it is the only thing that makes me feel like I'm not going to go into immediate hypothermic shock. And when I go on runs, I run like an old man because I can barely breathe from the smoggy cold. 

What's even worse, this season change happened so suddenly. Literally 5 days ago it was summer. And now all I want to do is wear long underwear (how I wish I had some)....and drink tea....and eat soup for eternity. What ever happened to that transitory season called "Fall?" It must have been kidnapped, because it certainly didn't show up this year.

"Be careful what you wish for." Cliché phrases: 1. Jenn: 0.

The Bus Drinking Game

So I've been on buses (we're talking the medium/long bus trips - anywhere from about 5-15 hours) enough times to notice a few common occurrences/patterns, and I decided what better way to survive another bus trip than make up a drinking game to it?? So here it goes:

Every time...

1) They play Transporter 3 on the bus: Take a shot.

2) They play another shitty action movie (besides Transporter 3): Take a shot.

3) The driver's assistant walks up and down the aisle (I really don't know what the purpose of that is): Take half a shot.

4) The driver's assistant does random chores on the bus (cleans the windows, closes the curtains on the bus, etc): Take half a shot.

5) There isn't toilet paper in the bathroom: Take half a shot.

6) There is toilet paper in the bathroom: Take a shot. 

7) The driver goes over 100 km/hr (it's the law that they can't, so whenever they do it, the car starts beeping): Take half a shot.

8) The driver goes over 100 km/hr, but ignores the beeping and continues to drive over the limit: Take a shot.

9) The bus makes a stop in what appears to be the middle of nowhere, and people actually get off like that's where they wanted to go all along (Important note: This will happen a minimum of 4 times during a bus ride): Take half a shot.

10) The bus picks up people in what appears to be the middle of nowhere: Take a shot.

11) At one of these illusory middle of nowhere stops, some vendors get on the bus and started selling products (Important note: They are usually pastelitos or jerky): Take half a shot.

12) The bus gets stuck in a middle of a taco (traffic jam): Take a shot. 

13) A weird man comes up to you and you can't understand if he is trying to hit on you, convert you to a new religion, or talk to you about a certain movie (Note: This has only happened once): Take 2 shots.

14) The driver's assistant asks you to show your bus ticket: Take a shot. 

15) The driver's assistant, when asking for your information, is surprised that you have a Chilean ID instead of a passport: Take a shot.

16) A Chileans' cell phone goes off at an unnaturally high volume: Take a shot. 

17) A Chilean stares at you in surprise when they hear you drop a Chilean Spanish word (Ex: cachai, filo, flaité, etc), or really, any Spanish word in general: Take a shot. 

18) Chileans don't respect the tacit rules of forming and adhering to a line (Note: This usually happens when you have to claim your bag that was in storage in the bus at the end of the bus ride): Take a shot. 

19) A Chilean stares at gringos because the gringos are being obnoxiously loud (but never as loud as the Chileans' goddamn cell phones): Take half a shot.

20) The bus plays a bootlegged movie (Ex: Yesterday, on the bus ride home from Valdivia, the movie Wolverine - without finishing touches on the special effects - was played): Take a shot.

21) The bus plays a romantic comedy (which will barely ever happen): Take 3 shots. 

More rules expected to follow. This will hopefully make a 13 hour bus ride go more quickly next time. Hopefully.